A message to a younger self..

Remember the first time you felt anger? The clenched fist, the pulse pounding so hard in your heart chest you were scared of your rib cage exploding right there on the spot. How could a person be so mean to you? What made him a step above the rest? Just because he was bigger, and had more friends, didn’t mean he deserved a better life than you. You approached him. Wait, you fucking sprinted at him. You had no idea what the adrenaline was doing to your body, it was a new and wonderful experience. He looked up and stared at you as you pounded the ground underneath you with such vigor determination, and for the first time in your life, you saw a little bit of fear in his eyes. His friends were watching, so he played it cool. So you gave him a reason to give up his act. One uppercut to the stomach that he didn’t expect. The force I exerted on the poor boys stomach was a new realm of power I’ve never experienced. He buckled, cried, fell to the ground and curled up into a ball, just like you wanted. Laughter all around, fingers pointing to the ‘popular’ kid crying on the floor. You cursed and spat then walked away, and carried on with your life, like nothing had ever happened.

Remember the redemption. How the bullying stopped. A day of pride and accomplishment. But at what cost? You condemned somebody else to years of bullying and pain, from which they may never have recovered. Maybe they ended up anxious and depressed, just like you. Just like millions around the globe who suffer from the same thing. You just threw him into the pile with the rest of us. How fucking dare you.

Of course you didn’t mean it, you had no intention of doing so. You had no idea how you were going to end up; you had no idea how he was going to end up. But now you know your actions have consequences. Even if it makes you feel good, just for a brief moment, just stop. Stop and think what you’re doing, and the implications of such actions.

Remember when you met her? Her big brown eyes, movie-star smile and a personality that clasped around your heat strings every time she spoke. The first time you kissed her; felt her breast, made her shudder underneath your gentle touch. Remember how you hurt her. How you weren’t honest, how you were scared, how you broke her, how she broke you. Remember feeling how you want to die if she wasn’t going to be in your life. She was the one, the only, your goddess and worship. And now she’s gone.

You learned your lesson; you know how to be honest and open in your relationship. She still holds a dear place in your heart and always will do. You will still die for her. But you can finally be happy without her. You are happy with someone else, trying not to make the same mistakes as before.

You’ve learned to think before you act. Talk instead of bottling it up. You’ve matured and grown in every way you failed before. The trial and error of regrets and mistakes have made you a better person. Take from this what you will, but life is on an upwards curve, not a steady gradient in the least, but eventually you will make it to the top.

You were damaged, but now you are healed. Yet the scars will always remain.

As always

Peace

Francis

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