Alyse is a fellow blogger and aspiring writer, a beautiful soul with a story to tell – a silent sufferer of mental health ready to share her story with the world. She wrote her own story, show your support and follow her journey – thatsadgirldaily.wordpress.com
‘I was about 11 years old, and I was in love, or so I thought. His name was Jake and he sat next to me in my math class. I never thought about my weight before Jake, I never thought of it as an issue or something that was bad. It wasn’t like I was this obese child, I was just a little chubby, but the fact that my school was filled with skinny pre-teens made me stick out like a sore thumb. I remember the day he called me fat, I remember feeling like the world had stopped and time had slowed down. Yeah, this was a pretty dramatic moment; it was the first time someone had said something mean to me with intent to hurt me. Tears filled my eyes and I quietly sobbed, trying to cover my face so no one would notice. Jake sat there, eating a tootsie roll, clueless to the fact that he had just sparked a life long struggle with anxiety and self-esteem.
Looking back I realize this was the first time I experienced anxiety, not the butterflies in your stomach kind of nervousness that everyone eventually experiences, this was the tough shit. This was the kind of anxiety that made me break down in the school bathroom, hyperventilating, trying to control my sobs. This was the anxiety that pushed me to lie constantly to get out of going to school. I was eleven years old, and I was plagued with this fear and no idea how to handle it.
About a week after the asshole Jake called me fat, we had mandatory fitness testing where we would weigh ourselves along with a dozen other fitness tasks. I. Was. Mortified. I would have to reveal my weight to my P.E. teacher and maybe some lingering students. All I could think of was: if Jake thought I was fat, then everyone else probably did too. The butterflies in my stomach turned into a malicious creature clawing at my insides. It was my turn to weigh myself. I stepped up to the scale feeling lightheaded and dizzy, my P.E. teacher announced my weight and I removed myself from the crowd as quickly as possible.
I had no idea that this moment would be the beginning of so much pain in my life. Years later and it’s still a struggle to walk into school every day. I constantly pick myself apart during the day, assuming everyone around me is doing the same.
For a long time I never said a word about what I was feeling, mostly because I had no idea what I was feeling. Eventually, I opened up to my mother and at first she didn’t think it was a big deal, just ordinary teenage problems. Years later my anxiety hit an all time high and I was admitted to the hospital where they told me I needed to see a therapist and get on medication. My mother took me seriously after that hospital visit. So here I am, 5 years after my first love broke my self-esteem, finally taking steps to ease this struggle.’
That was Alyse’s story, whats yours? Get in touch, share if with a community ready to listen.