Who am i?

Francis

So, i know what you’re thinking: ‘here comes along another teen, full of problems, full of pain, with nowhere else to turn to but the web’, and yes. You’re pretty much bang on. The thing is, nobody knows i feel like this. I have to pretend to be someone i’m not around the people most present in my life, just because i know how vulnerable i can get when i open myself up, and that’s some scary shit. Something that’s hard for everyone is being honest and open, it doesn’t matter who you are, how many people truly know YOU? Yes you may have many friends and be the most popular person on the planet, but i guarantee there are only a few select people who know the real you.

Who am i you ask? Well, I’m a 19 year old northern lad, athlete, musician, photographer. I have a gorgeous girlfriend (way out of my league), a group of friends that can make and break my day, and a family that are there for me whenever i need them. So why can’t this blog be called ‘the boy who has the world’? What has lead me down a dark path of anxiety and depression? Well, nothing is ever as simple as it seems. You could say it’s risen from my past: childhood, high school, my first love. You could say it’s down to the present: failing university, a sick grandparent, my hair falling out (yes, you heard me). Maybe it’s down to a culmination of things. Who Knows.

All i know is that i’m not alone. There are millions out there who feel the same as i do, even if they won’t admit it. People who cannot explain how they feel or why they feel that way, and feel like if they tell the people they are close to then they will be treated differently. Take me for example; I have a beautiful girlfriend, she’s incredibly smart, religious and an extremely talented athlete. She’s got a family who think she’s an angel, and it’s all smiles every day in their household. Don’t get me wrong, that’s fantastic and everything should be that way, but how do i tell this girl how depressed i really am? That i panic when I’m around too many people? That i get angry and punch walls and hurt myself ? The answer is i can’t. It would break her, she loves me and i love her, i want to be her boyfriend, not her lost cause or Christianity project. I guess if i want to eventually put a ring on this girls finger, I’ve got to do it at some point, but fuck me i’m terrified.

I guess this blog is going to be about me; the good, the bad and the fucking ugly happenings in my life. I’ll make you happy, i’ll make you sad, i may even piss you off a little, but all i want is to make you think. Are you like me? Do you know someone who may be like me? Well if there was ever a crumbling maniac to make you question things, i hope it can be me.

Peace.

Francis

69 Comments

  1. Francis, you are right there are millions, actually around 120 million people with anxiety disorders and/or depression, you are certainly not alone. Hooray for you finding a place to vent and use your beautiful jaded sense of humor to express and explore your truths. On top of it, you weave a great story. Thanks for sharing, nikki

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      1. Because you looking, you will find . It may come in waves or a trickle (the understanding). It will take time and it might not be exactly what you think you’re looking for. Be patient and aware and it will be the the right thing. Self love takes its own journey and path, we just have to willing to follow. I just read your other posts and kid, you are of to a fucking great start.

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  2. It’s good to express your anxieties even if only on a blog. Anxiety is a bitch; my son suffers from it and self-harms as a coping mechanism which he says calms him down (though it doesn’t calm me down), I can’t recommend yoga breathing too highly and I’m sure there are loads of videos on youtube

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  5. What if There was a Cure for Anxiety & Depression?

    Anxiety/Depression~ Understanding these disorders is difficult for the person who hasn’t experienced either of them. Anxiety is worry in disguise. Depression is living in hopelessness even though you know the truth. What if both of these are traps that people fall into and are not aware of the hold/curse. What if this is just another way for satan to draw God’s children away from Him. It is nothing but confusion sprinkled with doubt, but when trapped within, life can feel empty/worthless/doomed. Mind altering drugs have taken over and made a money making industry out of something that may not even be real.

    I have been a victim for years, so I know how despair and no self-worth can paralyze. I know how it feels to think that I need to fix everything and everybody, solve all the problems, beat myself up, somehow know when people are judging me and know exactly what they are thinking. What if this is a spiritual dis-ease and the truth really will set you free.

    As I wrote the above statement, it reminded me of when Jesus and the disciples were passing by a graveyard and saw a man being tormented by evil spirits. The disciples could not rebuke the demon out of the savaged soul. Jesus said, “This type needs fasting and prayer also. I have not tried this, but I wouldn’t be surprised if that weren’t the cure for both disturbing disorders.

    I would like to hear your thoughts on this view. Polite & kind words. . . are greatly appreciated!

    What if this is the cure?

    Mark 5:1-20 New Century Version (NCV) A Man with Demons Inside Him

    1 Jesus and his followers went to the other side of the lake to the area of the Gerasene [a] people. 2 When Jesus got out of the boat, instantly a man with an evil spirit came to him from the burial caves. 3 This man lived in the caves, and no one could tie him up, not even with a chain. 4 Many times people had used chains to tie the man’s hands and feet, but he always broke them off. No one was strong enough to control him. 5 Day and night he would wander around the burial caves and on the hills, screaming and cutting himself with stones. 6 While Jesus was still far away, the man saw him, ran to him, and fell down before him.

    7 The man shouted in a loud voice, “What do you want with me, Jesus, Son of the Most High God? I command you in God’s name not to torture me!” 8 He said this because Jesus was saying to him, “You evil spirit, come out of the man.”

    9 Then Jesus asked him, “What is your name?”

    He answered, “My name is Legion,[b] because we are many spirits.” 10 He begged Jesus again and again not to send them out of that area. 11 A large herd of pigs was feeding on a hill near there. 12 The demons begged Jesus, “Send us into the pigs; let us go into them.” 13 So Jesus allowed them to do this. The evil spirits left the man and went into the pigs. Then the herd of pigs—about two thousand of them—rushed down the hill into the lake and were drowned.

    Fasting and Prayer

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  6. The reason you don’t see is because most of us are shy. Me, my comfort zone is at my house, in my little stress free bubble. I started my blog to because I was too shy and afraid of what might people say. Do you feel as comfortable as me behind the screen?

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    1. That’s a good question. I wouldn’t say it’s being behind the screen which is making me comfortable with the blogging scene, it’s more my love for writing. We all have our passions which distract us from our anxiety, writing is mine. Keep blogging!

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  7. You are like so many including my daughter and who knows my son as well… life hard cruel and we do the best we can happy you can let your feelings out on here . Just do not be so hard on yourself and I know maybe you have Gerard this before but give people a chance I know you may not listen to this but that’s okay just think about it . Always on so look forward to reading more of your posts.

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  8. Welcome to the jungle🙂. Stick around and let the web see if they can help you along the way. Know that even though no one here knows you, help can be found at the push of a button. A few buttons in this case. Great first step mate.

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  10. Just wanted to say helllo and that I get it. I really do. Those feelings are from what I can tell, what so many of us feel and then wonder why, oh why, WE are such weirdos. I know I do. Anyway I also wanted to say that your words felt very honest and that seems pretty dang brave to me. So Kudos. Hang in there and although I don’t know anything about anything, I wouldn’t be surprised to find that there are more of us than you might think. We all have a veneer. Peace to you and yours.
    Lee

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  11. It’s always good to open up about how you feel because that’s the only way solutions will find you. Thank you for being open minded.

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  12. Thank you for sharing. I find quite a bit of solace in the fact that those of us who suffer with anxiety are far from alone. We are from all different places, age groups, races and creeds. Our commonality will eventually bring us some peace (trying to be positive here!) in our lives.

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  13. I experience similar problems mate. In your own time and as you get more life experience you’ll begin to work through it. For me it was just learning to love education again, even if I don’t go to college or university. Keep up the writing and i’ll be sure to stay updated. All the best x

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  14. Hi. My third born son is your age and goes through periods of deep depression and hopelessness. In his case I really feel like it’s a fear of growing up and failing in this complicated world. A fear of not knowing how to do it. Fear of being rejected by people if they really knew him, although there’s nothing unusual about him. Sounds like you are a good guy, too. I’ll follow your blog and offer support if you’d like. I have five sons . This is a difficult era to live in as an adult and I’m sure it’s even more scary to young people. Things are changing way too fast . My one bit of mom advice would be to open up to your girlfriend. She’s probably scared , too. Take care , buddy .

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  15. Hey Francis,
    I’m so glad you’ve got this blog along with all your support system, including your awesome girlfriend!
    Anxiety – seen it, felt it myself and all who go through this, you’re in my prayers.
    It definitely is a b*#!&% but I think you’ve got a healthy constructive system in place to manage and cope with its complexity. You’re on the right track. 👍
    As for me, my ways to cope are a “mix bag of tricks:”
    Centering my thoughts on positiveness; a blind trust called Faith; friends who listen and are encouraging; and a patient and understanding family.
    I’ve always been contemplative, so I think that helps; this means being reflective on my mistakes and making amends when needed.
    My attacks are less frequent after truly taking care of my health. Just thought I’d share for we all get ideas from sharing, as I learned from you – not to generalize young adults and that each one is unique and has his or her own stories to tell.

    Hey, I hope you keep writing! I’m definitely going to follow you and read up on your works.
    Smile!
    Love and Peace,
    Dezzz

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  20. Hey man,
    I completely understand where you are coming from because for me… Anxienty is just one of those things that will hit no matter what. You can have wealth, fame and health, but you will still be vurnerable to it. That is why it is important to develop mental strength. Try to get rid the little details that provokes anxiety in the first place, or find a way to mentally fight against that. As for your decision with your gf, that’s tough call, but I believe that part of relationships is to share this kind of stuff, and get support from them.

    Hope the best,

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    1. Thankyou for the kind message. I shared most of it with my gf, she was shocked but she’s really supportive about it all. hopefully I can keep writing and posting and maybe it will help other people at the same time.
      Thankyou

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  21. I read many blog posts but don’t always reply, but I felt I needed to reply to you. You see I have a granddaughter who is 19 and struggles with the same type of anxiety that you have described. She is a beautiful young lady and very artistically talented and also loves to write but her writing is often dark and depressing. You both have so much going for you but because of your social anxiety you stay hidden away most of the time. It breaks my heart for her and for you. I believe you both have a lot to offer this world.
    I have observed in my 70 year of life that it seem the artistic seem to have more anxiety than others and I think it is because they are so much more sensitive to all that is around them, including their own feelings. But we must be careful because our feelings aren’t always in line with the truth of reality in our situation. It is always a good idea to measure them against the facts.
    As for sharing your feelings I can tell you from personal experience that those who love you long to have you share with them. They may not have the answers your looking for but they will be willing to listen and want to support and love you through this difficult time of your life.
    I too am a Christian, as I’m sure you know since you read my last post and I can tell you that true Christians do not consider you a project to be worked on. But a beautiful creation made and loved by God and only want to let God love you through them. Because God’s love is unconditional! He loves us right where He finds us, right in the middle of our messes. That’s where He found me 40 years ago.
    Not sure if this will help but know when I think of and pray for my granddaughter Richelle, I will be thinking of and praying for you as well.
    Sincerely
    Naoma

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    1. Thank you so much for this reply. I hope your granddaughter can find a way to be happy. I am learning everyday how much people care, especially my girlfriend, who has shown me how powerful her faith in God truly is, and the fact that she loves me more for sharing with her. Your reply did help, it’s so nice to know that we are not alone. Thankyou.
      Francis

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      1. I will be following your blog and praying for you as I watch how God is leading you on this journey of healing.
        And hang on to that girl you love, she is a keeper for sure!
        Blessings to you both!
        Naoma

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      1. It was from my heart. There are so many young people who feel the way Francis does and I want them to know they have value in who they are. We are all created with a purpose and for a purpose. Thank you for you kind comment. Even us old folks appreciate knowing we still have something to worthwhile to offer.

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  26. You are an amazing writer for only 19. Stay with it; I was just a few years younger than you when I first started and I sucked horribly in comparison, but it probably saved my life in more ways than one. Also, I am glad you confided in your girlfriend, but don’t be afraid to do so with others around you as well. It’s everywhere, anxiety and depression; and some of the best support and survival tips for it comes from the people who live with it every day and have for years.

    🙂

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    1. Thankyou for the kind words, writing is definitely a universal therapy for people like us. What I’ve learned the past couple of weeks is that if people care for you, it is best to open up to them about how you feel, as it hurts them too if you hide such things. Thankyou!

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  28. Francis I am so blessed by your openness and honesty. It is so sad that we are unable to express our true feelings especially to those we love and to those who love us. I am glad you were able to express those thoughts on here, but let me encourage you if you haven’t to take the next step and talk to someone who loves you. You may be surprised to find they will still love you maybe even more. The inspiration for my post you read came from the suicide of a school resource officer in my community. Everyone loved Shane, his friends, his family, his fellow officers and the Jr. High students who looked up to and loved him not as a police officer but as a friend.
    Shane had problems though and no one knew the depth of them. His wife and those close knew he was struggling with things but he never told anyone about the darkness that was closing in. Finally he decided not as a selfish decision but what He felt thst everyone would be better off without him. That may not be where you are, but don’t let yourself get there.

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  30. If you just start thinking about all the things you got to say thank you for.
    That,s a fucking day!
    We all have that unique gift, to go out and touch people, affect people… Understand that gift… Protect
    that gift… Appreciate that gift… Utilize that gift… Treasure that gift…Don’t abuse that gift!

    Don’t think about it… JUST DO IT, MAN… JUST FUCKING DO IT!!!
    Stand tall!
    Chin up!
    Be strong!
    “A man or woman is never too weak or too wounded to fight if the cause is GREATER THAN HIS OR HER LIFE.”

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  32. Awesome! I know that it’s hard to open up to your girlfriend. BUT…isn’t it even tougher struggling alone? How long have you been with her? There are articles out there that you can give to people that love those that suffer. One site I know about is http://www.anxietyandstress.com. Your writing is awesome. You are awesome. In fact, look at all of these responses you are getting from your writing. I was so happy to see that you (one person) liked my post. I am very new to blogging and my boyfriend is the only one that has been liking it. You liked it today! You made my day. I read your article here and am quite impressed. There are so many of us out there. This does not make us weak. It makes us strong. We have to practice courage every day. I say that to you (but I know that I feel weak so many times). Thank you for sharing your story.

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  34. Francis, this gives me hope. Thank you so much for being vulnerable and speaking TRUTH! It’s ok to feel anxious, depressed, and like you don’t know yourself. It’s all part of growing up. A lot of humans walking around now adays do not realize how important it is to just revel in the imperfections and float for a minute. It’s ok to know you have it all but also question it…..questions are good, it means you arent desensitized like a lot of the other little twits running around 🙂 Good job, keep it up, and keep the faith darlin.

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  36. When you change who you are on the inside, you need to be prepared to change who you are on the outside. And there are consequences to that. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, in my opinion it’s growth.

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  37. At 19, I was going through a manic phase shortly afterwards followed by depression. Both suck but at least there are really good medications for both these days. Writing soothes me and kind comments help.

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  39. I am so much like you. I have anxiety and I hide behind what I call my “mask”. My goal has always been – don’t ever let them see behind the mask! Well, my mask is currently crushed to pieces and I’m just starting to try and answer the question of your blog – who am I? I as well have so much that should make me so happy every day of my life. And, although I feel blessed to have all these things, I just couldn’t make those happy feelings come. In fact I was worried that if I was happy with all my “blessings”, something would come and take them away.
    Although I’m a few years older than you 🙂 I do get it. I am living it. I am currently on a different path than I previously was, and I have no idea where it’s taking me….but I’m okay with not knowing, I just hope I can answer the question of who am I before the journey is over.
    Thank you for being so honest and open in your blog. I look forward to reading more!

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  40. I’m not religious
    And I’m a lot older than you
    What I can say is…if she really loves you, you should be able to tell her that you suffer from depression and anxiety
    Doesn’t mean you have to tell her everything and her loving you doesn’t guarantee that she’ll understand but if she’s aware then at least she can be supportive when you need a bit of support

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  42. Hey Francis, read your who am I post. Despite the fact that we’re decades apart in age and, I suspect, thousands of miles apart, I was touched. You sound like me at your age. I’ll be following you, take care of yourself.

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  43. Francis, thanks for liking my post today. I have read your blog. I placed your name on my morning prayer table. I will pray for you daily that God gives you the blessing of recognizing your strength and beauty. In the meantime, is there a professional you can talk with? Sometimes just a little professional attention can do so much to clear these challenges. Blessings to you, dear Francis.

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  44. Francis, thank you for liking my post on anxiety. Perhaps your girlfriend already has some idea of your struggle and revealing yourself in little bits can enhance her picture of who you really are. More importantly, I think, is accepting yourself honestly and moving beyond shame. I will hold you in prayer..

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  45. So sorry to hear how things are going for you (and so many others). Have you considered a 12-step program? It is the first place in my life I discovered non-judgmental people and felt a true fellowship. It helped me grow immensely to where I am comfortable now being open and honest. There are many varieties of 12-step programs; they are not all AA or Alanon but the principles are basically the same. You learn to identify your feelings and work with them in a healthy way. It’s truly a life changer if you want to change your life. I wish you only the best.

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  46. I am the mom of a 19 year old son that your are describing with eerie similarities. Unfortunately (fortunately) his life imploded with drug abuse, rehab, therapy, etc. Our family is so much closer and REAL since all this has come out in the open. The truth WILL set you free and I for one feel honored to walk with my son through this, CONTINUING, challenging time. Find a mentor, a sponsor, SOMEONE you can trust 💕

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  48. Wow, thank you for sharing!!! There are so many of us that have was people is ‘everything’ but they have no idea what it’s like on the inside.

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